If you are one of the thousands of people that just moved to Denver, Colorado, then you need to get the 411 on how to survive & stay alive in the Mile High City. Here are the top 10 things that you have to know about living in Denver:
1 In Denver Football is not a game it’s a religion
The Denver Broncos are now your team, orange is your favorite color and blue is your second favorite color, at least that’s what you need to tell people if you prefer not to get shot on any given Sunday. If you must wear your Raiders shirt do it in your basement, alone, with the lights out. The Broncos are based at Mile High Stadium and if you want season tickets then be prepared to get a second mortgage.
2 Weed is legal in Denver
You can get pot pretty much anywhere here in Denver. Meth, Smack, Crack & Cocaine are absolutely not legal here, so again, back to your basement with that stuff.
3 Forget Weather Forecasts
When your iPhone weather app tells you that there is 0% chance of rain then be prepared for flash floods & hail the size of golf balls. There is never 0% chance of any kind of weather here and nobody (with the possible exception of the Denver Post web site) seems to get that. Weather Forecasts are completely worthless and should be consumed strictly for entertainment purposes only.
4 Draw it Mild Gentlemen
Denver is called ‘The Mile High City’ for a reason, and, as anyone who has consumed large amounts of alcohol on a plane can tell you, you get wasted a lot faster in thin air. The air up here is indeed thinner, there’s a reason they sell oxygen in cans.
5 Save time at DIA
If you are flying out of Denver International Airport on Spirit then, first of all, i’m so sorry, but second of all, walk over the skybridge to Security, do not get on the train, it will save you an hour or more, you’re welcome for that one.
6 Traffic Advisory
If you are driving East on 6th Avenue & want to take the I25 South exit then follow these instructions carefully:
1 – Stop sexting your girlfriend or toy boy about 2 miles before the exit
2 – Get your affairs in order
3 – Increase your life insurance
4 – Check your brakes and put your seatbelt on
5 – Call your Mom and apologize for never calling her on Mother’s Day
6 – Remember the good times
7 – Start smoking again
8 – Say your prayers
9 – Close your eyes and think of England, or wherever.
7 Every battle is won or lost before it is ever fought
Before flipping people off on the freeway make sure your Tech 9 is loaded, the safety is off and that you are ready to return fire.
8 Way too Wholesome
You cannot buy wine at Whole Foods. I know, wtf.
9 Think before you Eat
Rocky Mountain Oysters are not seafood. Don’t ask.
10 Avoid Temptation
Don’t sell your new house to the first realtor that bangs down your door. I understand that it went up 50 grand since you bought it last week, but by the time escrow closes the only place you will be able to afford to buy another house will be Flint Michigan.